Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Jewish humor


dbartzur said...

One Rosh Hashanah morning, the Rabbi noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the synagogue. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Rabbi walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Rabbi," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Rabbi Bernstein, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service," explained the Rabbi.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible when he asked,"Which one, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?

dbartzur said...

A frail 80-year old deaf mother is celebrating her birthday and her three sons each give her a present. Harry gives her a new house. Harvey gives her a new car and driver. And Bernie gives her a huge parrot that can recite the entire Torah.

A week later she calls her three sons together and says: 'Harry, thanks for the nice house, but I only live in one room. Harvey thanks for the nice car, but I can't stand the driver. Bernie, thanks for giving your mother something she could really enjoy. That chicken was delicious!!!

dbartzur said...

Bubbegum (n.) Candy one's mother gives to her
grandchildren that she never gave to her own children.

Chutzpapa (n.) A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.

Déjà Nu (n.) Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face, but not knowing exactly when.

Disoriyenta (n.) When Aunt Linda gets lost in a
department store and strikes up a conversation
with everyone she passes.

Hebort (v.) To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah.

Jewbilation (n.) Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.

Jewdo (n.) A traditional form of self-defense based
on talking one's way out of a tight spot.

Mamatzah Balls (n.) Matzo balls that are as good as your mother used to make.

Matzilation (v.) Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.

Meinstein - slang. 'My son, the genius!'

Mishpochadots (n.) The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.

Torahfied (n.) Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at one's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. (OR from the Hagadah at Passover)

dbartzur said...

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.

The Jewish people met and picked the aged but wise Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever, and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us."Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "How did you win the debate?" they asked. "I haven't a clue," said Rabbi Moishe. "First the Pope said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, we're staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe, "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

dbartzur said...


-If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living. Yiddish Proverb

-The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks. Yiddish Proverb

-What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth. Yiddish proverb

-A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right. Yiddish Proverb

-One old friend is better than two new ones. Yiddish Proverb

-One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb

-Old friends, like old wines, don't lose their flavor. Jewish Proverb

-A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb

-"Don't be so humble - you are not that great." Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

-Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself. Golda Meir

-Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction. Albert Einstein

-Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving. Albert Einstein

-When his wife asked him to change clothes to meet the German Ambassador, he said "If they want to see me, here I am. If they want to see my clothes, open my closet and show them my suits." Albert Einstein

-Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein

-The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax. Albert Einstein

-You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails. Yiddish proverb

-I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become immortal through not dying
Woody Allen

-I'm not afraid of dying - I just don't want to be there when it happens! Woody Allen

-Imagination is more important than knowledge. Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton .

-Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts. Albert Einstein

-We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them. Albert Einstein

-Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. Albert Einstein

-Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe. Albert Einstein